Feeling pretty low right now. It’s been a lousy week. No one has signed up for my class to take advantage of the discount. My husband is tired of me, not having any money. Maybe I should just walk away from everything and go be a hermit somewhere. I sure don’t feel needed right now. I know I have worth but if no one sees it but me . . . what am I doing here? If nothing I have has any worth to anyone else, how can I make any money? How will I survive? I have no value to the world. Am I a dinosaur or just way ahead of the time?
Where do I fit in, where do I belong? Where are my people? What is to be made of the visions I see for a better world, a better place to raise children, families and so much more? Maybe my dreams are just fantasies and nothing more. I can move people with my voice but not enough to move them into action. I haven’t felt this alone in a long time. It doesn’t feel very good, that’s for sure.
I really don’t know what to do. Part of me wants to give everything away and just leave. Don’t know where I’d go and part of me doesn’t even care. I am so tired of trying this and that, nothing ever works. My classes aren’t attended, my love isn’t wanted, I am with a man who could care less about my feelings.
God, where is my place, where are my people, where do I belong, what am I to do with all this knowledge I have if no one wants it? I feel so lost and un-needed. Just a lone wolf with no pack, an eagle with no mate to soar with, I give up, I have no will to keep trying anymore. All I have is me and that does not seem enough right now.
I am walking in the dark of my soul, alone on a journey, going in circles back to square one. It’s always been this way, my life-walk alone, on a path that seems to lead no where. Back where I began, older, wiser and still alone. Circling around the sun, flying through the universe, growing older in body but not in spirit. I still long for love, for adventure and laughter, for peace and promise, for my life to have meaning. Surrendering, giving it up to my creator; I’m done but what will I do with the rest of my life? What will I do with the rest of my day? What happened to the dreams I had? I think I’ll just fade away, just fade away. I think I’ll just fade way, into the end of day. In sleep, my spirit flies free, leaving the life for a while that is me. Walking in the dark of my self with myself.
And yet I will still go on, trying to find a place of belief again and again and again. This is Life. When you’re up, enjoy it. When you’re down, you can climb back up again. You can always climb back up again.