Fearful……trusting.
Worry……faith.
Hope……belief.
Love……acceptance.
I’m looking through a door that I know I need to step through. I am fearful to leave my life of 30 married years to step across the sill to a new life that I eagerly look forward to living. It is time I took on my life’s purpose as teacher, healer and spiritual guide.
I already possess everything I need to be my true self. It is my lack of more experience that shakes my confidence. In the same thought, I trust that I can help the people who come to me for clarity in their lives. I have been teaching, healing and guiding those who asked for my help.
Trust is the knowledge that if I allow God to do his part,
I will be taken care of so I can serve my life purpose.
I worry needlessly about how I am to accomplish the stepping over the threshold to the new adventure awaiting me. I am excited but I don’t know the way. How will I be able to do this? I often forget that all things line up for me in an easy and amazing way when I hold my faith true and strong.
Faith is knowing inside that I am divinely guided to move
forward and all will be revealed each day.
I do not have hope. For me, hope is not knowing and waiting in fear of not receiving what I want or need. Hope did not serve me well and hope abandoned me in my time of need. It kept me in a victim mode and mood. I learned that hope is not for me. To believe in something is to create it in my mind and watch as it becomes reality.
I choose to believe because I spent the time to prove
it to myself and I know my belief system is strong.
Real love, the kind that sees the God inside you and loves you for the soul that you are, has been absent from my life. From my father, who was a good man, a man who took care of his family and loved them deeply under his outer gruffness, to my husband who also cannot tell me he loves me. The women I know are so much more aware of the spirit within than the men I have known. I feel loved by them and I can extend that loving energy back to them.
Acceptance comes in small doses as I navigate my changing life.
I accept that there are those who cannot show love
because they cannot love themselves.
I allow myself to receive love and to give love to all on a spiritual level.
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On Change
I cannot change that which refuses or sees no need to change. Change only happens when staying the same becomes so difficult, so painful, so soul-killing, that the only thing to do is change. I have been there, through the many faces of change over the years behind me. I am changing still.
There are changes that are forced on you and changes that you choose. The ones that come from outside you are the ones that can knock you to your knees. They come from people who are terrified. They work very hard to feel better by changing the people in their lives. When you finally find your footing again after a forced change, you stand tall and strong and happier.
When you make changes that you choose, it doesn’t always make them any easier to accept or complete. Change is change whether it is our choice or not. We learn to walk unknown paths with courage and faith in a good outcome. We learn we can bust through brick walls, walk through mud and soar with the eagles. We stand up for our convictions and allow no one to make us feel bad about who we are.
Change is part of life. Our lives ebb and flow with change. We grow from change. I want to welcome change into my life as it is time for me to grow some more. I want to be excited about change. I want to embrace change and explore my true self again.
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MY BELIEF IN GOD
I once joked with a close friend, “the only time I say God is before dammit”.
When I was very young, around 4 years old, my mother took me to a Baptist Sunday school. She thought my paternal grandmother would have liked that. I didn’t fit in there nor in any other Sunday school I ever attended with my friends as I grew up. I never learned to love God. I never thought about him or wondered if there was a God.
All that I heard about God made me wonder why someone would want to believe in him. There were so many rules and regulations to live by, so much fear of punishment if you didn’t and God was so far away, up in heaven or on a mountain top in some foreign country. I couldn’t even talk about God or say the word without a bad feeling accompanying it. It took me a long time to understand God.
Because everything I had been taught about God felt so negative, I became acquainted with the Goddesses of old and the numerous civilizations that worshiped her many incarnations. She made sense to me and She was here/is here on Earth. She was approachable, kind and wise. She was a woman’s deity and loved by many.
I also studied the religious beliefs of Native Americans.. The belief that everything has spirit and is precious really resonates with me. I enjoy communing with the natural world; trees, animals, rocks, birds, flowers, all are capable of providing information about themselves if we take the time to quiet our minds to hear them. I felt as if I belonged, and I incorporated many of the ideas into my daily living.
It’s taken me many years of deep inner work to come to an understanding of what I perceive God to be and to the connection that I now have with the original creator of my soul. I have learned new words to describe my creator and they include: Father/Mother/God, Goddess, Creator, Source, Spirit, and the one I currently use as it really speaks to me of how I feel about ‘God’. I use ‘Divine Blessed One’. It creates a sense of peace and security within my heart.
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A LIFE OF AUTHENTICITY
As I look at my life now, there are more years behind me than there are before me. Don’t get me wrong, I still have a lot of living before me. I want to get to the end of this life and and yell; “Wooo-eeee! What a ride!.”
So many things left to experience, things I want to create and change in this world for the betterment of all people. I know that I can only effect any change by creating the change first within my self and then living that truth, for I know that a I live my truth, space opens for another person to find the courage to live their truth also. It is so important that we discover the bravery within us to bring forth our truth because that is what living an authentic life is all about.
As children we are indoctrinated into the societal norms of our particular culture. I am not saying that this is necessarily a bad thing, as we do need to learn how to get along wherever we live. But more times than not, our true self, how we innately are, with all our talents and gifts, gets shoved aside so we fit into out culture.
I envision a world where all our gifts and talents are allowed to exist. If we have a passion for anything, from music, dance, art, numbers, writing, exploration and everything else, we are allowed to follow those inner leanings and desires to become who we innately are. We are supported by families who understand that all these gifts come from our Creator who desired to experience them through us. If we were allowed to follow our personal inclinations, the world would be a much better place.
And this is my fervent prayer and hope that we can all learn to allow each other to live our dreams, as long as they don’t prevent another person from also living theirs. We did not come here to live another person’s version of what our live should be. We all came here with a plan for our life, one created between our Divine Beloved One and us.
