Remembering Who I Am, Part 2
In remembering myself as a child, I am discovering more of who I am, before well-meaning adults tried to control me with societal norms. Their well-meaning advice put me at a disadvantage. I wanted to fit it, to be allowed to see my friends, even if it meant that I would have to conform to the acceptable actions of a “lady”. I learned that what was considered tolerable behavior at one friend’s house was completely different at another’s. I became a chameleon, changing to fit the current parental system wherever I happened to be. A completely different person with my friends than I was around their parents, I was adept at adapting.
My wild side followed me through my teens and into my twenties. I bought my first horse when I was twenty. That one act led to many escapades on horseback, riding on the beach and trailering up into the mountains for spectacular rides. I reveled in every minute of it. I loved horses and I loved mountains, what more could I want? My wild side was enjoying a life-long wish come true with the horse, the mountains were the whipped cream on the Sunday. I could be my true self around the horses, they are family to me.
In my twenties, I experienced life on my terms. I worked to support myself and my horses. My free time was spent doing what I loved to do at that time, working with horses. I was running my life, how I wanted it to be, what I experienced and how I felt dealing with the many lessons I was faced with then. I will admit that many of the lessons were ones I created from the really dumb choices I made. It took me a long time to realize that life kept presenting the same lesson to me until I understood it and learned from it. Some lessons I carried for decades, too unaware that it was all me and not anyone else’s problem or fault. Just me.
I have forgiven myself and made peace with that very lost young woman I once was. She was lost for twenty-eight years, then she walked through a doorway and entered a whole different reality than the one she had been creating for so long. It was the beginning of a whole new set of lessons to be learned.
Part 3 is in the works.
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